I remember

I remember the anxiety that gripped my stomach as I yelled "Te Amo!"
To my love at the other end of the hallway...

His response, that night on the phone -"Te Amo Tambien"
caused the numbness to leave my limbs.

I remember how he kissed me in front of my apartment
with the door cracked open and my parents listening
how my eyes were pools of ebony that afternoon
I remember the lecture I got.


I remember how my shoulder fit in the crook of his armpit
how I got a perfect nights rest with my head cradled on his chest
How I loved how he listened to me...
Watching him while he watched food network and thinking:
we could grow together... we should grow together...
I loved him instantly.


I remember how his arms found me in the cold
Warming me with his energy
He could comfort me without a word
Because through all of what the world threw at me
I knew I could depend on his love.
and that was the constant I needed to keep going


I remember driving off 65 No
onto University
Screaming as the wind whipped the moisture from my face
As I listened to Dru Hill's "We're not making love"
As I remembered the words slip off his lips
into my ear like poison "I can't do this anymore..."


I remember how my heart dropped when his brother told me...
"everything he told you is a lie"
I remember how... bit by bit I felt like dying
as bit by bit.. I found out it was true.


I remember how I felt when I read those words
Words that should have been mine
Words that were hers.
I remember how I felt when I heard those words
written for me
Spoken for her.
I can remember wishing I couldn't remember
why I loved him.
I remember where my tears soaked the carpet
It offered no solace.



Last night
he held me
I felt like I belonged there

he kissed my forehead, my cheek

I felt myself falling
I felt myself wanting
wanting to fall.. wanting to love
wanting to be loved
wanting to trust

so I pushed him away
and I'll continue pushing
until I have room enough to pull.